Memories Not Recalled
by kate-7h
Summary: The memories of the past haunt Syaoran's thoughts, even as he sleeps. But he's never alone in his misery, as Sakura sleeps there beside him. Clones post-reincarnation. Oneshot


**A/N:** So sad, angsty clones stuff... what's new? Rated for violence/gore, and a little bit of steamy. Far from explicit though.

* * *

Syaoran opened his eyes, startled with _where am I, what happened_ thoughts running through his head. _How did I get here?_ he thought desperately as he looked around the dark space. Above him, stars gleamed in the silent night. There was no sound, other than his own breath and the lilting breeze through the distant trees. It carried with it a tinny, foul smell that Syaoran couldn't quite place.

He pulled himself up from where he'd been lying on the grass covered ground. Hien was in his hand, his muscles tensed like he'd been clinging to it in his- sleep? _Was I asleep just now?_ Confusion filling him, he looked around, unable to see anything. Why was he alone?

"Sakura! Fai-san! Kurogane-san! Mokona!" he shouted into the night, but heard no reply. Not even the chirp of an insect. On the eastern horizon, he could see the faint purples of the dawn. It wasn't light enough for him to see anything, but soon the sun would illuminate his surroundings.

He took a step forward, only to stagger back. Under his bare foot, he stepped on something which felt soft, like flesh. He wished he could see, but he was feeling more and more confused and panicked. He started walking in the opposite direction, more often than not stepping on the same soft feeling objects. He'd never wished for visibility so much.

It didn't take long before he could see, though. The sky was awash with red and pink and purple, a truly beautiful morning sky, but Syaoran's eyes were glued to the ground, horror struck through him. What he'd stepped on, what the smell was. It was clear now as the sun rose in a crimson sky. The grass field was filled with the bodies of dozens of people. Maybe a hundred or so, he didn't intend to count. Men, women, elderly, it was a massacre. He found very little relief in him that he didn't see any children amongst the dead. Syaoran looked around at the atrocious scene, the stench of blood making his stomach churn.

 _What happened?_ Had he spaced out and missed the brutal slaughter of an entire town? Was he unconscious through the whole thing? He rubbed at his face, trying to wipe the horrible images from his vision. He stopped cold as his fingers left sticky liquid behind on his face. The smell of it was undeniable.

Looking down, he saw that his hands (and clothes) were covered in the red liquid. He felt no pain from an injury, meaning the blood was most definitely not his own.

"Wha-" he started, beginning to tremble. Syaoran lifted his sword, see it too was caked in the drying blood.

Suddenly, he remembered everything. He gasped, staggering in his horror. He remembered cutting these people down without a thought. No, one thought. _I will find the feather_. They'd had it, and then he took it. Syaoran felt it's power within his chest where he kept it, and more just like it, waiting until they could enter Sakura's body once more.

"I did this…" Syaoran breathed out, taking it all in with both eyes. And he remembered that too. What he'd done to Fai. The taste…

 _What have I done?_ The thought played in his mind over and over.

Then suddenly, he didn't think it anymore. He was standing in the field, but the people were alive, walking around in the sunny light. He stood in the midst of them, feeling the presence of power from one of Sakura's feathers.

'Obtain the feather, slaughter those who resist you,' the order came clear in his mind. There was no question to it. He just obeyed.

They had resisted, so he slaughtered them.

One after another, they fell as he cut them down. Blood covered him as it sprayed with each slash of his sword. He didn't even blink. Didn't feel. There was no remorse inside him for what he was doing. Only the all-consuming desire to find the feathers. He swung his sword, killing effortlessly until there was no one left to kill.

* * *

"Syaoran!"

Darkness around him again. He felt restricted as his arms were pinned to his sides; the sweat on his skin made him shiver. Half awake, he struggled to get free.

"Syaoran, wake up! Syaoran!"

After a few more seconds of struggling, he woke, breathing heavily as he opened his eyes wide. Sakura was on top of him, her arms wrapped around his torso, holding his arms down. The blankets around them were twisted and skewed.

It was a dream.

Sakura moved off him when he stilled, then she looked down at him with concern. "Were you having a nightmare?"

He sat up next to her, then buried his face in his hands and gave a single nod. Although it was more accurate to call it a memory, sans the feeling of horror at his actions in that moment. There was only cruel coldness in his mind when he'd killed, not just those people, but everyone who got in his way. He'd methodically gouged out and eaten Fai's eye without a thought about the man who had been a dear friend to him. Syaoran shuddered away from the thought, though he could still taste the blood in his mouth even now, a lifetime later.

He flinched as Sakura went to wrapped her arms around him. She stopped, pulling away. Syaoran took in a quick looking back at her in apology. Reality was here, with Sakura, in this peaceful country. "S-sorry," he got out, looking up to her. Her face wasn't hurt, like he thought she would be. Her eyes were gentle and full of concern.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, her hands folded neatly in her lap.

With an aching heart, he reached out and took her hand in his, then pressed it against his face, shutting his eyes. He didn't respond to her question, but felt that was response enough (at least, as much as he could manage for now). With that permission, she leaned forward and hugged him again, letting him keep her hand pressed to his cheek.

"Tell me what you need," Sakura whispered into his neck. He let his head fall against her shoulder. There wasn't anything he needed, these memories where his. They were the actions he'd taken, and he bore them as a price to live again with Sakura. Despite how disgustingly abhorrent he was because of them, Sakura wanted to live with him too.

So he kept quiet as Sakura rubbed comforting circles into his back through his shirt. They sat like that for a while, him clinging tight to her. Syaoran hadn't realized he'd been shaking until he felt Sakura still against him. She pulled away, and he felt cold without her embrace. She pressed her other hand to his face as well, holding him close to her.

"Remember that I love you, alright? No matter what."

He knew that she did, and that he loved her too, even though he didn't deserve someone as good and wonderful as she was. His lip trembled as his eyes overflowed. He didn't even have time to stop them. Shutting his eyes, he tried to hold in the sobs which threatened to burst from his throat. Sakura hugged him again, stroking her fingers through his hair, muttering sweet comforts to him.

After a while and a few deep breaths, Syaoran eased back, wiping the tears from his face. He sent her a bashful smile. "I'm sorry, you need sleep."

"I'm alright," Sakura replied. "I want to make sure you're okay before I close my eyes again."

"I'm okay," Syaoran insisted. "It was just... something I was remembering…"

She looked at him sadly again, but he shrugged. It wasn't nothing and he wasn't okay, but it was something he had to live with.

Sakura touched his face again, looking at him with her kind, green eyes. "Okay," she said simply. She inched closer, leaning her forehead against his own. "Then can I help you forget it?"

He looked at her for a moment before answering, taking her in. Her green eyes darker in the night, her hair mussed with sleep, worry creasing her brow. She was so beautiful and incredibly selfless to deal with him for this life. They'd both grown, living and learning things about each other they had never known before. But that was what marriage was for, he supposed.

Sakura tilted her head slowly, taking in his expression. Seeing where she was going, he met her halfway, pressing his lips softly to hers. He felt her smile against him, pulling her arms tight around his neck. Warmth spread across his chest as she kissed him fervently, as if it were the first time she'd kissed him. It wasn't, but the rush always hit him just the same. The longing to be closer to her. Sighing into her, he traced his fingers along her sides until pulling her closer against him, his chest pressed to hers.

She pulled her lips back to kiss his forehead, softly touching under his eye with her fingers. She was so soft and gentle, Syaoran didn't know why he was amazed every time. Sakura had always been this way, though the way she kissed him now was as if he were as fragile as glass. Breakable. He supposed he was, just pieces of himself glued back together. She was his strength, his anchor to this life. He didn't know what he would do without her.

Her request was fulfilled; she helped him block out the images of death and destruction, filling him with just her. While they made love, his thoughts were of nothing but her, as how it should be. Her beauty and strength, her never ending kindness, and the deep and eternal love he had for her. Those terrible memories had no place in such a sacred, beautiful act.

After, they dozed, relaxed and warm in each other's arms. She breathed a sigh, rustling his hair as she held his head against her chest. He clung to her, arms wrapped around her waist, taking in the soft moment, and trying to ignore the creepings of his demons at the edges of his mind.

For so many years he worked hard to protect her, tried to keep her safe and guarded. Now in these precious moments, Syaoran let her protect him. Her arms became impenetrable walls around him, guarding him from the nightmares. It was probably selfish in the face of all the lives he'd taken, but right then he felt peaceful and safe, so he let her keep those memories away from him for the night.

"Sakura," he whispered against her skin.

"Yes?" she asked in reply, stroking her fingers through his hair.

He smiled, his eyes closed with an elated sigh. "Thank you."

She was quiet for a moment, then leaned away and pulled his face up. Her smile was radiant as her eyes adored him. "Of course, my love. And I will defend you from all your nightmares every night for the rest of our lives, because I love you. Nothing will ever change that."

He pulled himself up to press his lips to hers once more that night, kissing her slowly. After a moment, he eased back, relaxing into her arms once more.

"Thank you," he said again, softer than a whisper.

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 **A/N:** I'm actually really happy with this one. I hope you guys like it! Reviews?


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